I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
