everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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