It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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