Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
