How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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