I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
