Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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