she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
