I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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