Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
3 2 1 whiskey
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
