i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
