I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
