her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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