please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Randomize
