He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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