I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
