"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
