my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
