We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
