u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
