Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If I die, sorry about rent.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
