M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
