The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
