my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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