i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Randomize
