I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
