I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
