what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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