so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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