I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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