How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
