she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
