I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
