My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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