Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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