Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
