What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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