my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
