I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Randomize
