hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
