Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
