do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
