one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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