How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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