So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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