We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I FOUND THE LEGS
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
