I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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