she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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