just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Life is so much better after having sex.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
