i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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